Outside the Lines

Cleo Pawson

Self Portrait
gouache on watercolour paper, photocopies (plastic coated), acrylic paint

My self portrait begins with a 11”X11” painting within the painting. I created this smaller border to symbolize how I begin by going within. This painting, like all my paintings, is of my inner reality. The images are from my dreams and meditations. They take time to do.

I started this image in 1999 and completed it in 2001. It is like I have to grow, so I can understand the teachings of the images enough to be able to finish the paintings.

My paintings are all part of an ongoing series which I began in 1989, the year I started the process to become officially “disabled”, due to chronic back pain from severe spinal curvature (scoliosis). I choose, then, to use my creativity to empower myself by painting self definition(s) to counter all the labels, attitudes, systems, etc. that “disability” brings with it, which, I felt, left too little positive room for me. I paint to remind myself who I am, and where I am growing to. To Live surrounded by my Art is very healing, especially on the challenging days.

The next dissolving border in the painting is a 15”X15” one, in keeping with the Outside the Lines theme. This is made of 3 greatly reduced photocopies from an x-ray of the Harrington Rods that have been bone grafted to my spine since 1969, in an attempt to stop my spinal curvature.

The Rods actually involve most of my spine. They have been my issue, since age 12 when they were installed, with no one even asking my permission. In my self portrait, I choose to show the Rods so reduced that they may even be hard to see because my “disability” is one that is not that apparent to others.

Not apparent either, is my dedicated and constant self care which is essential to appear so “well” to others. I’ve lived with my Rods for 32 years now, and I’ve experienced so many feelings about them, like anger, resentment, grief, denial etc., but I’ve come to accept them, as just a part of my “Garden”. So, I’ve painted them with Beauty. An accomplishment of my healing is that I can show the Rods as small, where for years they overwhelmed me. I flower despite my challenges. I have come to love, instead of being caught up in resistance. This is a huge gift that my “disability” has given me.

Margaret Van der Pant