S.D. Holman

Genderstupid

Gender and disability affect every part of my life, all the time, and I'm always passing. I pass as a girl, or I pass as a boy - neither one fits, but those are my only choices. My closest "Girl" friends have all turned out to be boys. What's wrong with me that I can't make the change and take it like a man? Is it Gender Identity Disorder?

Nah. The truth is, I'm gender stupid not gender queer (gender queer being that excellent phrase bandied about that I use as a descriptor for my self,) but I realize gender stupid may be more accurate, like gender dyslexic or something- gender and disability together always. So I have this robodick I can take on and off. I'm not a man or a woman, I'm a cyborg.

Learning disabled is the diagnosis and I pass there too, in the same slippery double-take way of my gender-passing. I pass for normal -- no one would know that I went to the stupid classes in the stupid school. Spellcheck is my robodick and no one has to know how long it takes me to write. I can even read Big books. Slowly. But when I say, "I have a disability" I'm still passing. I can say the words, enter the art shows, but I know I don't belong, just like when I put on a dress.

I'm good at some things, bad at others - that's not disabled, any more than being Deaf is. But the things I'm bad at mean I'm not normal either. Not a boy, not a girl, not normal, not disabled.

Stupid.